In love with oblivion

Thank you Facebook for suggesting me some people that I might know. You should know that I recognise most of them. In fact I might even tell you a story or two about them but I am quite sure that if you asked those people if I knew them you would be disappointed. In the last 26 years of my life, since I was born, I have met some amazingly good people. All these people have seen me hiding behind my own arms, observing things from behind my eyelids. I don’t know how do they all manage to do this but whenever I meet these people, I see the imaginary fences of inhibition around me disappear. Though, these people are very few in number and I can easily tell you the count but I would rather not. All these lovely people have been the serendipity of my life. I call them my friends.

My friends love to meet new people and expand their circle. And so that I am not left behind they always make it a point to push me to lower my arms and use them to embrace things and people that I would rather only observe keeping an emotional distance. Over the last 9 months I have tried to change myself. I have forced myself to go to the parties and other social events. Each time I manage to do this I feel a sense of achievement. I have danced, I have been drunk enough to loose my senses. I was amazed when I realised that I was first to approach people and give them a hug at the end of social events. One of those amazing people I talked about was even flabbergasted and said that she never expected that I could do that. Another friend who is now overseas saw me tagged in some pictures on Facebook from the party that I attended two weeks back and said that she was really happy to see me change.  All these people never fail to make me realise how good I am doing with socialising myself. My parents could not be happier, they say.

But, among all this socialising and seeing new people I am missing my best friend. A friend who also, like my other friends, knows that I have inhibitions. But he is the only friend I find hiding with me behind my eye lids. That friend is myself. I feel sorry for failing all those people who have persuaded me till the last moment to see new people. My overseas friend tried her best to leave me with company of friends before she left. She tried for 8 months but I failed her and was left without a friend for next two months after she left. I have failed all my friends in a similar manner always. I somehow retreat back to myself and feel assured that no one is judging me. I can always stop looking outside and tell myself all the stories that I know of things and people around me. I even sing for myself and, to be honest, this post is to pamper that ‘myself’. I think I am too scared of being judged. My life in oblivion has been great. I have spent time with books I wanted to read. I have stared at the nature around me in silence and have yet felt like being in a great conversation. I have observed and experienced things from a distance which now form part of my memories. After all, gathering memories is what life is all about. Different people gather it differently. All that matters at the end is that you have memories to cherish and write about.

I have had terrific summer. I have known more people but I think it is time to slowly retract away from all the humans around me for some time. I am deactivating all my social networking sites at the moment where I rarely find a meaningful and hearty connection with other people. I love living my life in oblivion and that is how I would spend my next few days. Every now and then when I spend some time with myself, I find new things. Recently I realised that I love to cry quietly and laugh aloud when I watch movies. Had I done this with people around me I don’t know how would they react after seeing my cheeks wet but when I am alone I don’t care.

But like all my friends, I know that I need to push myself out of this reticent behaviour and interact. I would certainly do that but only after I pamper myself with my own company for few days because I know I am in love with the oblivious myself.


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