Every year, on January 1 I make a list of resolutions that I don’t even remember after a couple of months. Perhaps I have been making same resolutions every year. So, this time I decided not to have any resolution and planned a movie night with a friend instead. The movie was “New Year’s Eve”. There is a moment in the movie where a giant ball at New York’s Time Square gets stuck during it’s ascent before it has to fall at midnight. While the ball is stuck midway there is a short speech by manager of the event relating pause in ball’s ascent to the moment where we should stop too and reflect upon the events that occured in the year gone by. Taking that to my personal level I didnt have to stop to think what happend to me in 2013 but I needed a solution to prevent 2013 ruining my 2014. And from this thought arose my new year’s resolution.
The year 2013 had been the most testing of years till now. I failed at the crucial moments and took some decisions steering my life in an entirely wrong direction. I am not known by people, who know me, to fail and to take bad decisions. But, I failed and ended up in a very miserable situation that would have repercussions, good or bad, all through my life. I have been left behind professionally by all my friends just because of my arrogance and the confidence of being infallible. I had almost stopped thinking myself as a human being; I would work by the clock. I had fixed times to eat, kept and met strict deadlines for everything, I had succeeded in all the examinations that I appeared for in last seven years. My resume was crisp but facebook timeline sucked. But in 2013 every thing started to fall apart like a house of cards. Nothing seemed to be in my control. And I did what I had been doing all these years – I pushed myself harder. The harder I tried the painful was the failure. Over the years I have learned to forgive everyone except myself and that was my recipe of success. I did not forgive myself for my failures and consequently began to hate myself.
But I have learnt from my mistakes. I have learnt that I am just another human who can fail any moment. I have learnt that even science believes in the concept of probability and has confidence intervals for all the scientific decisions. And so should I believe. I have learnt that there is always a probability that I can break down any moment, the way I did in one of the most crucial exams last year and no one could be punished for it; not even I. I have realised that my family and friends have forgiven me for my mistakes always but it was always I who kept punishing myself.
So, the time to make a tough resolution this year – forgive myself. I am going to take my life lighter and forgive myself for what all happened last year. Yes, forgiveness has a magic; I can feel it now. I can feel my heart beating and the air in my lungs getting lighter. My sight gets blurred – but yes, I forgive myself to be weak and cry sometimes.